I am releasing two videos that I made over 25 years ago, "sacred" and "Dirty Katie". So, given such numbers linking to the past, I will say a few words to honor those who gave to make it all possible back then and finally presented now.
(Okay, so if you want the deep history of "sacred", I already wrote it down in my book, "Not the Yearbook You Expected". What is to follow is a brief retrospective with new insights.)
To begin, I will say that I was driven by the beautiful and (at times) holy insanity of youth. You only know it is a gift when you wake up and don't have it. I saw R.E.M. 's movie "Tourfilm", saw they were using 16mm projections of images on film and went for it. Why? Because I had a 16mm projector and a screen via my father. I had what was needed to execute it, so why not?
The theme of what would become the piece "sacred" is, to be totally honest, is, at best, homage to 1)the independent film "Knee Dancing" by Doreen Ross, 2) a tie into some intense film I saw in my sociology class "Women and Society" called (I think), "The Girl in the Wall", and 3) what was going on in my life at the time via my relationships. It is no wonder that, years later, I wound up becoming an exhibited artist who did collage. This work is, to be frank, a collage of all that.
The idea of writing songs about abuse at that time was not foreign. Two examples are “Kid Fears” by the Indigo Girls and “Hold Her Down” by Toad the Wet Sprocket. The song and video to "Hold Her Down" is about victims of rape. And, for the record, they took major heat for that because they were men speaking about the effects of raping a woman. They got beat down and hard, but more on that later.
I cannot recall how the idea came to me, but I am sure it was via me being very very sleep deprived and watching the independent film "Knee Dancing" by Doreen Ross that I had recorded onto tape via PBS innocently years earlier. The idea of a horrific moment as narrated by an inner child and the now narrative older self was a no brainer for me as I seemed to be swimming within it all at the time. So, I went with it.
Now, why all these people somehow believed in me and my vision is, to this day, light years beyond me. Jessica Bridge had a presence that was literally of mythic proportions. I saw her stop an auditorium of people in their tracks and hold their breath as she walked onto the stage during her high school play. A move of her arm reached the back row like a cannon shot. She is one of those people blessed with what is called "presence" and you are never really the same after you get close to such amazingness.
Wendy was a girl who lived four houses down from my parents. Her family and I would cross paths at Church and were friends. There was no casting involved. I needed a young girl to read the lines and she agreed. To my joy, she was amazing every single step of the way.
Let it be said that I had no money but intense passion, so I went into all this like a fool. The blessing was that I was surrounded by caring and gifted friends who guided me along the way. All I had was an attic of the Catholic School I went to and one Super 8 film camera. That. Is. it. So, we did it. Why? because we could!
There were only two days of shooting: one on the coldest day of the year and one on the hottest. Lovely. Because I have been blessed to be surrounded by people far more talented than me (this is not self-effacing as their collective resumes speak for themselves), I pulled every favor to help with this. And, to my joy, they all agreed.
On the coldest day of shooting, somewhere in late 1994 or early 1995, Pete Haider, Mary Ann Wilson, and Dave Walker came to help out. There was maybe one small space heater in that frigid attic and tons of coffee. Still, Jessica and Wendy were troopers and would take off their winter coats just before shooting a scene and then put them on after. In the end, they just put on their normal warm clothes and we filmed them that way. Dave Walker wound up finding a way to get up on to the top of one of the walls, and that is how we got the overhead shots of the actresses. Mary Ann was amazing at getting the framing and vibe right. Also, the late and great Pete Haider was stunning at picking out shots. The one where the actresses are opening their arms at the window? Yeah, that was Pete.
I can recall very little about the second shoot, as it wound up being on the hottest day of the year and my life seemed to be falling apart. I remember thinking I was screwed because the hair length had changed on both of the actresses, but had no choice and keep going. In the end, as always, they rose to the occasion and were stunning, professional, and caring.
Looking at it now after just watching a film festival of new film makers, I can say this: we had NO B-roll! Film cost money and we did not have a lot of it. It was all about just trying to frame a shot with one camera. Also it was so cold on the first day of shooting that we barely had the time or energy to do anything more than necessary. The same thing happened months later on the second day of shooting. It was so hot in that space that we did what we needed and left as fast as possible. In other words, nothing could be wasted.
And let me be clear here, I did not want to finish it. At. All. My professional and personal life was hell, and I did not want to spend the time, money, and energy on some insane thing. It was a call from Jessica stating that, on no uncertain terms, she wanted that damn video done before she went to college. There was NO negotiation here. I HAD to complete it.
So, somehow, I did. We debuted the thing at the now forever gone Cafe News in New Brunswick, NJ at night. I had to play the 16mm film print in a projector while we did it. All I can remember is that it was hot as hell that night, people liked it so we did it twice, and, at the end of the second time, I was so tired and broken that I fell to my knees at the end, right into the gravel "stage".
I performed it a few more times, but the general consensus was that it was too dark and depressing. And, I need to be totally honest here: I presented it to some groups and was rejected, perhaps like Toad the Wet Sprocket, without review. Okay, that was up to them, not me. I kept going.
Jilleyn held on for a few months as cellist as I tried to find places to play the thing. Still, we wound up doing the full film at Rutgers to a handful of people. The mood in the room was not good. Over and over and over and over again the message was that it was too intense. I was, by choice, part of no "scene" and would never bow down to anyone to get ahead, and perhaps that is why the whole thing died swiftly. To be honest, the rejection sucked and I was deeply hurt. No one else in the area was doing films at performances of what could ostensibly be called “acoustic rock” with cello. No one. I was it. And it failed and failed hard. Right. Out. Of. The. Gate.
But I kept going with the stunning new cellist Chris Zadravec. We recorded and played many many live shows over our time together and now have a warrior's bond. But "sacred" was never ever ever spoken of. Yes, we did have the film for "dirty katie" a few times, but never ever "sacred". Ever.
I have not seen this whole thing in probably 20 years, with the odd chance I did once while trying to transfer it years ago to DVD, but I cannot find the disc anywhere. So, it is a unique experience visiting a past time that was filled with the passion of youthful creativity that was also filled with memories of extreme pain and failure on many fronts, not just the film.
But I can say the following without reserve: what literally made my knees buckle and my head bow in humility was the fact that all those people willingly chose to be part of this and I deeply love and care for them to this day. If you look inside the booklet to the CD of the album "sacred" you can see a photo of everyone (except Mary Ann Wilson who i think had to leave early) at the end of the first day of filming. We are all laughing and hugging each other. There was love in the room and we all had faith in each other. When a group of people are working for free on a project they believe in, something beautiful can enter the room because there is no fear of financial loss or career failure. We all had nothing to lose and came in with everything we had. After decades of being beaten down and broken by the whims and selfishness of others, I look back upon this piece with a joy and gratitude I cannot articulate. All of the people who helped make this happen were and are exemplars of love and kindness.
Finally, let me be clear about one thing. I didn't set out to make an "art piece". I set out to make something that was to be played live and hopefully have all of us known to the greater world. It is a small piece of work and I am not debating that. But I was, at the time, attempting to enter the world of REM and The Indigo Girls in my own way. I wanted the world to know about myself and all these amazing people, hence why I immediately went out and played it live wherever I could. These people deserved to have their talents shown to the planet. Well, it seems that now is the time for that to happen.
If there is one deep regret, it is that my beloved friend Pete Haider could not be here to see it. He passed away a decade ago, far too young and gifted. As I have said many times and shall say to my grave and beyond, I owe almost everything to Pete. It was his kindness that helped me record my first two demo tapes, as well as the album "sacred". He did live sound for me a few times and played bass on a few tracks on the next album, "fire walker". After a falling out of a few years for reasons I will never know, he and I reconnected and I thanked him many many times for all he gave. In the end, I can find solace that he knew how much I loved him and what he gave before he exited the stage. That being said, I think of him and miss him every single day.
I could say more, but you get the idea. My deepest love and thanks to Jilleyn, Wendy, Jessica, Mary Ann, Dave, and Vinnie all these decades within and after the fact. I hope you all find joy and pride in seeing this again and that the memories are all ones of love.
My love and gratitude with you always.
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