To anyone who ever auditions as a vocalist for a band, a few pointers...
1) When given A MONTH to learn the requested four to five songs, learn them. Learn them well.
2) If you do choose to bring a "manager" with you, please have them sit down quietly and not pace around.
3) Please learn the songs.
4) When we play the song that we learned just for you because your "manager" PLEADED to have us do it, ..... please learn that one as well.
5) No mater how much you compliment us on how great the original song is, by the transitive property of being an idiot, you have just insulted us by not taking the time to learn them and then do them poorly.
6) Learn at least ONE cover song we ask. ONE!!!!!!!!!!
7) If you are in need of reading the lyrics off of you iPhone, please do not have your manager hold the phone for you while you sing. It's just creepy.
Please do not say, " I couldn't put my own spin on the songs because of the girl that was singing them on the recording threw me off." Just.... don't say that. Please.9) If your manager offers to get us great gigs in bars and clubs on Rt. 34, please note that is like being offer the top prize at a Dung Competition.This will not work in your favor because we have a pulse and a bit of self esteem left.
10) Please do not bring up the name of your "great band" that you were in at one time that nobody ever heard of.
11) If anyone in the band has to teach you the melody of the song by singing along with you over and over again, you, alas, did not learn the song.
12) Did I mention that you should learn the songs? Yes, do that.
13) No matter how many times you ask if we know anything by the band Heart, we will not do it. No means no. And by the way, if you re so badass at Heart, you should know they do AMAZING Zep covers. By that transitive property, you fail to the highest power.
14) Show. Up. On. Time! Especially if the start time got delayed a half an hour.
15) If you ask how old the band members are by stating "It doesn't matter, but..." um, yeah, we know it matters. Please buy a mirror.
16) There never will be any excuse for not being prepared. If you are not prepared, this is a hobby to you. If you do not take this as seriously or more so than your day job, please do not bother to reply to the ad, much less have me waste $50 or more on a rehearsal space.
17) If we come prepared and ready to do something of quality and you think you can fake it, you have insulted that which we have worked so hard to perfect. That requires self worth. Please look into that.
18) While dressing well shows you have a professional approach, high heals will not make up for,.... oh, yeah, LEARNING THE SONGS.
19) If a song is a ballad and another a hard rock song, changing the timber of your voice may help. Then again, if you didn't learn the songs, hey, why bother, right?
20) Finally, have the decency to apologize for not learning the songs. While it will not save you from looking like a complete idiot, it will save you and your manager from coming across as selfish fools whose definition of reality belongs on a reality TV show.
21) Please note that this behavior makes all people who do Music as their passion look like idiots as, like it or not, the world dumps us all in the same folder of bad credit ratings and the like. Please leave this noble and sacred art form and go onto something that most suits you, like say, television producing or Music Business or money laundering or social security fraud. True Musicians are good people.
Think about it...............
or can you?
